Have I ever told you that I love Texas? In fact, I think it’s become my all time favorite state. Taking the place of Nebraska. Chad kept defending Texas. I wouldn’t believe him. I kept trying to tell him why Texas wasn’t that nice. How it was not cool. But, I am finally convinced. And let me tell you why.
1. I love the fact that there are three temperatures in Texas. Miserably hot, miserably humid, and miserably hot and humid.
2. I realize that the federal government made the ridicules law. However, I love the fact that Texas perfected it. A seat belt ticket is not $50 (like Utah), not $75, hell not even $100, no, it’s an ass tearing $125.
3. I love the fact that 20 miles following the east border of the state is kind of pretty. Nice trees, lots of them, everything is green. How about the other 880 miles of the state? You’re lucky to find plant life. Just dirt, and oil pumps.
4. I love the fact that when your running out of gas, you can’t stop at a gas station without getting flashbacks of the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or that Chevy Chase movie, with the scary rednecks.
5. I love the originality of the people in Texas. Every fifth car does not have a “Don’t Mess With Texas” sticker in their window.
6. I love the Alamo. Ever been to the Alamo? For those of you who have, you know what I am talking about. I made better forts for my G.I. Joe’s when I was 8.
7. I love the “Big as Texas” slogans on everything. Its not the biggest state, not even close. Its second. And check the map, it fits over twice in Alaska. Don’t give me that crap about “Continental United States”. I can say, “It should have stayed part of the Continental Mexican Republic”.
8. And the last thing that I just love about Texas, the fact that the people here can look past all of these wonderful things I have just pointed out. And be belligerent, ignorant, and blind to the fact that Texas isn’t the greatest state ever. Ask any one of them, they’ll defend it to the death.
Am I ‘Messin’ with Texas”? Oh no.
Fuck Texas, fuck Texas in its hairy, deformed from in-breeding, “big as Texas” ass.
Now, Chad, before you write me a naaaasty email about this, understand that this is all in good fun, and that I am not attacking you. Just everything you believe, and love. ;-)